Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
