I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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