rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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