mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
