I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
They took my balls.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
