oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
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