please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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