btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
