As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
