you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize
