she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize