That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
