Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
