He asked to "fluff my boner.."
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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