the new term for farting is butt boxing.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I enjoy the company of your penis
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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