Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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