I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Randomize
