No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
