I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Semen is not good for contacts.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
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