i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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