I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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