someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
