when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Randomize
