I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
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