i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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