god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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