did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Help me help you realize you are a moron
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Randomize