What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
