Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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