Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize