New low: just hacked my moms facebook
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Randomize
