Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
