can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
