you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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