I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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