Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
