I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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