No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
