I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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