my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
