Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
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