No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
