People in love make me want to vomit
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
