She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Can you repeat that, but with context?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
