this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
