I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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