Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
