If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
