I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Randomize