it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
