I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
