So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
