So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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