The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Randomize