I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Randomize
