I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I want a musical about memes.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
