New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
You took a bar mat shot.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
