wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
