And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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