I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
