so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
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