i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
