I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
