wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
