so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
